anonymous

I fucking like you

I have no idea what to say right now; my mind is a mess. Are you giving me mixed signals or was I just letting myself get my hopes up high? I can’t believe I’m starting to fall for you again. For some stupid reason, I keep thinking, “Maybe this time it will work out.”

What. The. Fuck.

- A is for Anonymous

Invisible

It has been the longest time since I’ve blogged. I’ve disappeared completely on tumblr for a few months (or is it a few weeks?) but now I’m back.

If only reality was like that. If only I could disappear completely whenever I wanted to, and come back whenever I feel like it. If only.

- A is for Anonymous

Confessions: #2

It has been two years. Two years since we first laid eyes on each other. I remember the first time I looked at him, I felt something. Not attraction, no, but I felt that he was going to be a part of my life somehow. He showed me affection like no guy ever did, and it made me feel special. I was stupid, I let him go. I fell in love with him after I let him go. To this day, I know that I’ll still take him back if he asks me to. I know that I’ll give him another chance. But, it should be him giving me another chance. It should be me asking if he’d take me back. My heart wants no other right now. Maybe I’ll move on soon, or maybe it’ll take a little while longer, but one thing’s for sure: I still love him.

- A is for Anonymous

Girl with two faces

You’re really good at acting; you’ve got me fooled for the longest time. Not anymore. I see who you are. You criticize the girls who put on makeup, saying they don’t need it to be pretty. Who’s the girl with the thick line of eyeliner and lip smeared with lipstick? Who’s face is the one obviously covered in blush? It looks to me like you’re the hypocrite. You act as if you’re the it girl; the girl whose got a good grip on life and it’s concepts. I looked up to you before, you know that? Not anymore, you’re just another girl with two faces.

- A is for Anonymous

My biggest fear

Do you recall reading in one of my previous posts that it scared me sometimes how I imagine myself being the reason for someone’s death? Want to know my biggest fear? Deep down, I have this feeling sometimes that I’m capable of murder. I try not to think about it, I don’t want it to come true. I can’t help it though. Inside, I have this strong feeling that I really am capable, and that’s my biggest fear.

- A is for anonymous

Traitors

You were the ones I could turn to when I felt like all my friends abandoned me, but I guess you did the same. Just because I fucking blew you guys off once. Is it really my fault that I was too tired to hang out with you guys yesterday? Now you make plans and don’t invite me. Not just that, but you guys barely talked to me yesterday after I said no. What. The. FUCK. I hope you all crash and get permanently paralyzed. I hope you all choke on your spit. Piss me off, fuck you traitors.

- A is for anonymous

Confessions: #1

First confession: I used to carve myself. You’d have to be an idiot to not get what I mean. Except, it wasn’t that bad; I didn’t actually bleed. I’d only press hard enough so it made a mark, so it would penetrate the skin but at the same time, not bleed. Why? At first, it was because I didn’t know what else to do to help me cope with my emotions. I knew my dilemmas weren’t the end of the world, but I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed an outlet, so I turned to the silver. Only, I made sure I didn’t bleed. After awhile, he found out. Actually, I told him, as a joke, hoping he’d see past it and know I wasn’t joking. Surprisingly, he did. He’d check on my arm for any fresh cuts daily; it made me feel loved. We got into an argument. While we were making up, he told me hecut himself. Once. He told me it was tiny, it that bled a bit. I felt guilty, because when I cut myself, it didn’t bleed at all. He checked my arm, and there was no fresh cuts. He stopped checking after awhile, and I went back to carving, just one noticeable line, so he’d see, and go back to checking. I’d then stop. Eventually, he grew tired of me. I stopped carving, during the time when I was hurting the most. The point is, I carved myself so he would show me he cared by checking, rather than using it as an outlet for my emotions. I cut for his attention.

So now, whenever I see my fading scars, I don’t think of those hard times that caused me to carve myself. I think of him. I think about how he used to care for me and how I let him slip away.

- A is for anonymous

Angry teenagers

I’m one of them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not always angry. You don’t want to get on my bad side though. Sometimes, I get so infuriated that it makes me want to kill someone. Sometimes, when I’m so angry at a person, I imagine myself being the reason for their death. It scares me sometimes.

- A is for anonymous

Deceived

It’s like when I’m face to face with you in reality, you’re still my best friend. I’ll tell you what’s up and what’s been going on with my life. But, when I’m not with you, then I hate your guts. I think I finally know why. You see, I don’t want to lose any more friends. I need someone to be there for me. I want someone to be there for me. You know what I realized though? Even if we ARE face to face in reality, you never asked what’s going on with my life, or how my summer is so far. I volunteered the information. You told me you wanted make plans with me, but later on I see you’ve planned out a month’s worth of things with your other friend with things that we were supposed to do. I just want to cut you, but for some reason, whenever we see each other in real life, I forget all the hatred I feel towards you and act as if we’re still best friends. It’s sad, because you don’t even take the time to ask how my life has been… in real life and over the internet. Thanks. You’re the best, friend.

- A is for anonymous

Best friends for NEVER

I’ve learned to not believe in best friends. In fact, I think best friends hurt you the most. You’re blinded by your friendship that you don’t see their flaws. What’s so good about seeing their flaws? You might ask. It shows you the real person they can be. I used to have a best friend. I’ve recently realized she was never really there for me at all. Thinking back, I was her shoulder to cry on. Was she mine? No. When I was having problems with my ex, did she do anything to consolidate me? No. She laughed. I just went along with it. I listen to what she said. I listened when she said that he was a jerk. In my heart, I still loved him. Did I tell her that? No. I knew I’d just hear the same thing from her over and over again, “He’s a jerk, move on.” Deep down, I knew it was true, but I couldn’t help my feelings for him. I was frustrated, I didn’t know what to do. She wasn’t offering me any solid advice. It got to the point where I avoided talking about him with her altogether. If he and I suddenly started talking again, I tried my best to make sure she didn’t know. If something happened between us, she couldn’t know. If he hurt me, she definitely couldn’t know about it. I ended up telling her when I got the courage. I made it seem like a joke, and all she said was, “I told you so.” Best friends. They’re supposed to be there for you. Then again, life isn’t a fairytale. We’re dealing with reality here, and sometimes reality bites.

- A is for anonymous